Who I am is the possibility of Beauty, Freedom and Fun
with Food.
I woke up this morning
feeling the same old anxiety that I felt when I was six and terrified that
something was wrong – like, “Had I wet the bed?” “Am I late?
Did I forget to set the alarm?”
“Did I forget I had an early morning appointment?” This chronic anxiety is crazy given how
organized I am and how seldom I wet the bed anymore. I’m 43 now and still carry the underlying
question through my day “Is everything going to be alright?” This is my inner 3 year old asking. This is the 3 year old that too often runs my
life.
She is always feeling like
“something is wrong” and “I need to fix it.”
Her favorite way to fix life, or cover up the anxiety is to eat comfort
food. The sugar rush of several fudge
covered Oreos seems to fix everything – at least for the moment. But then comes the usual shame from an old
story about how I must lack discipline to eat healthy, then the emotional
reaction of rebelliousness that “I can eat whatever I want, so I will, just to
avoid the domination of the tryant in my head.”
That feels like freedom at first – to be in control of what I eat rather
than eating what I “should.” The
emotional roller coaster of my sugar addiction leaves me much worse off than
the original anxiety that permeates everything.
This anxiety assumes that I’m separate, small, that it’s easier to be
alone and that I have to survive
this life time. Most of who I’ve been
for 43 years is survival based, and I’ve succeeded. I’ve created a lucrative business, stable,
ethical, and well-respected. I’m
avoiding sharing that I’m a lawyer because I’m afraid you won’t like me – like
there’s a lot of nasty lawyers out there and now I have to explain that I’m one
of the “nice” ones. This blog is about
transparency, for my own freedom to laugh at my humanity and to remind all of
us that we’re NOT alone. In fact, most
of my family has struggled with similar food issues all our lives. We don’t often talk about it given how
painful it can feel when we’re in the addiction cycle.
So here’s what I’ve done so
far – all of which only bandaided the symptoms temporarily depending on how
long my “will power” could hold out: I
spent a couple of years in Overeaters Anonymous. My brother actually spent several weeks in OA
treatment. I’ve hired nutritional coaches and healthy
chefs to prepare my meals. I’ve ordering
meals to be delivered weekly so my fridge is full of beautiful food. I work with an amazing acupuncturist, a
naturopath, and medical intuitive. I
know EXACTLY what to eat and what not to eat and I don’t even have to make the
food. I used to think that if I were
Oprah Winfrey and had a chef, then I wouldn’t have to deal with the food issue,
NOT TRUE – it’s still there, except now I’m throwing away expensive high
quality food that spoils in my fridge because I would rather eat the
oreos. Let’s add some more shame to that! If only I never had to eat and I could just
avoid this forever.
My clothes aren’t fitting now
that I’m about 25 pounds heavier than I was 2 years ago. I’ve gone up and down for years, usually
about 30 pounds (ranging between 130-160).
I’m not sure because I don’t own a scale – I don’t want to be judged by
that too! Although I’m the heaviest I’ve
ever been, I refuse to hate my body just because it looks more like a rococo
painting than today’s projections of skinny beauty. Yet my mind irrationally judges and so I avoid
its tyranny by pretending it doesn’t matter (denial). All these old disempowering patterns that
I’ve inherited from my culture, my ancestors and my biological brain for
survival are not serving me or the rest of us!
I choose to release my “old
ways” and create a new relationship with food – one that knocks my socks off –
one that gets me out of the bed in the morning the way that the smell of bacon
used to. Here it is: I eat to create beauty, fun and freedom! That’s why I’m here – not to survive—none of
us survive. I’m not afraid to die, so I
don’t have to be afraid of anything. In
this radical new paradigm, I create a relationship with food that energizes me
because I love to create beauty, fun and freedom.
Food can be a work of art – very beautiful even in a superficial sense. My mom and I bring a white table cloth,
flowers in a bud vase, and linen napkins wherever we go so that we can enjoy
elegance even at fast food restaurants. Food
can be beautiful because of how many hands lovingly created it (like a garden
salad). It can be beautiful when I feel
its raw life force –as it shares its frequency with my body. Raw organic foods can be high vibration when
I take the time to feel them. My body,
in turn takes on their energy and becomes vibrant and beautiful, clean and
healthy. All the make up in the world
can’t hide when I don’t feel good.
Food can be fun. My neighbor made some power
balls recently and they were so fun to share – a unique mix of sunflower
butter, healthy chocolate chips, peanut butter, flax seed and oatmeal –
Delicious! She was sharing a creation
that she had energized with her own frequency.
We had dinner with them recently and that was fun – to commune over
beautiful food. What if let myself play with
my food – last week I made my husband a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for
lunch (his favorite), but used cookie cutters to make my favorite sealife
shapes of them – so he ended eating mermaid sandwiches in the end.
Food can offer freedom. Normally I’m
into the freedom NOW to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I’m often numb or in a “food coma,” I just
want to go to sleep after eating. So
often I feel powerless over certain kinds of food. My whole focus on food takes so much time and
energy that I don’t “have enough time” to do all the things I’m actually here
to do in this lifetime that REALLY matter.
So, I’m talking about the freedom to be with food –have sugar in the
house – and not be its emotional slave – either avoiding it or binging on it. I’m talking about the long term freedom to go
for a walk on the beach, travel the world and swim with dolphins in the
wild. For that, I’ll need a healthy and
happy body. For that I’ll need to feed
it high quality, high vibration fuel.
I know that so many humans
are starving and it sounds like I’m sniveling about an over abundance problem –
but I know I’m not alone, and I have to start with where I authentically
am. This blog is intended to share my
transition from the disempowered past to my creative new future with food. I don’t know HOW I will get there, but I’m
determined to transform my relationship – luckily I have a couple of health
coaches to hold me accountable, a supportive husband, and I’ve decided that the
whole universe is conspiring to assist me on this journey. This blog is my process of transformation. It feels very vulnerable to share my secret
“shame” given how I prefer to look “good” and like I have it all together. However, I am committed to having a victory
of human spirit, and it will require my exposing how my human machinery has
been running the show instead. In the
end, I’m sure I’ll see this challenge as one of the greatest blessings of my
life rather than a curse. If I can
recreate my relationship with food, I can do anything!
